Champagne and midnight snacks

I have lost something and have been searching everywhere for ages for it, days, weeks even but I cannot find the damned thing isn't that so annoying? what have I lost? oh only my bloody willpower!!!

As the end of term melted into the first few weeks of sweet holiday freedom I went a tad wild, my routines were smashed to itty bitty pieces as I enjoyed going out with friends, to clubs and bars, exclusive and classy mind you, no dives for Lois, lol. we partied and yes drank the night away. my usual "omg I feel so depressed" the morning after a drinking sesh started to abate. (totally not a good thing for me, I will have to inform you of that whole debacle soon otherwise you'll definately not have the foggiest clue what I am on about or why its such a big deal)

So back to the tale I started to do it more and more until Holy Moly I bought a bottle of champagne, my poison of the moment, to chill with a night in. No biggie as my sis settled for her usual choice a chilled Pinot, but for me one night turned into two then three, then four, before you know it I was enjoying a good few flutes every night for the next 4 weeks. and with alchohol comes the drunken munchies . some people have sex one to four times a night well I had the munchies and was very sloppy with my 'getting rid', every night I would have crumbs on my other pillow from the 3 choc chip and hazlenut Maryland cookies I would place there in the middle of the night to eat when I got hungry- which i can assure you I always was. Therefore in the morn as you can imagine I looked like I was about to give birth to triplets! I would feel shit but do the same thing that same evening iI was having fun and told myself i will just lose the weight when I stop at the end of the week.

Ok so today the 13th July my willpower seems to have come back turns out i gained only a couple of pounds but thats beside the point. The return of my willpower was important as it didn't just cover food it went for everyhting else in my days. i was so lax and far to relaxed but the food thing was main i admit, However i miss the champers but i cannot go down that road....again, not the dark days!!!

Anti-depressant withdrawal sucks

The uni journalist side of life has permitted me from writing for a few weeks, in bloggers-sphere however that amounts to something like one year, so apologies. But back with vigour here I go.

Seriously suffering withdrawal symptoms from my anti-deps, which makes me feel like utter shite to not mince my words I have had a rather bizarre few weeks. I will admit it was semi my fault for I was so busy completing projects running the paper I kept on forgetting to renew my prescription and collect it from the chemist, something Iam notorious in doing.

You would think I would learn but I seem to always go through what I call 'childbirth syndrome'. Not at all au fait in the ways of childbirth I should add I know that women when in labour swear they'll never get pregnant again such is the pain but due to the fantastic-ness that is the human brain, the mind purposely forgets, lucky I imagine otherwise evolution will resemble a queue at the post office on a monday morning when every old dear is out to collect their pension-slow to the point of non-moving and consequently a year or two later baby number 2,3 (enter whatever number is appropriate) .

Anywhoo childbirth syndrome is definately what happens to me. I completely forget I will sink to the depths of despair having DIVA worthy mood swings and with suicide suddenly feeling a reasonable everyday option such as "shall I buy a top? some black coffee? or pop 100 pills today? hmmm I feel thirsty so perhaps the black coffee."

But what makes it almost unbearable is the constant nausea and dizziness 24/7, my god it feels like I've run round a pole with my head to it 100 times .Pleasures such as reading,being sociable or anything that doesn't consist of a chair and a dark room pretty much goes out the window.

but I have picked it up today, it just bloddy needs to kick in,grrrr

Sex? no thanks I am anorexic

My fanny has seen no action for so long it has tumbleweed rolling across my 'ladyhairs' and a cobwebbed weathered to let sign permently stationed outside it. I guess it too is feeling the force of the recession.

Does that mean I don't get male interest? not quite its more the fact I had no libido, no rev in my engine, no get up or go, the list of suggestive phrases I could use are endless.

But the thought of sex, boys and dating who wants that? can't you see I have more pressing matters to focus on like the exact number of calories in three salted peanuts.

But seeing Hugh Jackman or Huge jackman as I sometimes nickname him in my head out loud to friends is a tad cringe-factorish, has definately picqued my interest and got my juices reflowing, I have gained some weight recently and annoyingly had a period, so I guess my body is screaming your a women dammit, go feel and do woman things,lol.

What do you call that? oh eating whats that???

for an ana I do eat quite a bit eat however I say eat I mean it in the loosest possible sense of the word, why? because like anyone else I too put certain 'safe' foods in my mouth and chew like your average Joe, but thats where the similarities end ( I don't purge but I am not promoting my ways so will not reveal how Iget rid of it) I then enter into an altogether different world, one where I am the average Joe and everyone else is slightly weird.

So as I go about my daily activities i sometimes get lost in my mental dialogue which at times goes something like the following:

Look at the way that guy lifts that sandwich to his mouth and takes a bite , and her at the traffic lights unfolding that that twix wrapper as if its normal.

My attention diverts Oh My God! look at those two young women sitting in pizza express, carefree and somewhat pretty. The dark haired one has such a cool vintage bag. Look they're eating a whole pizza each! how are they just cutting into it like that?bringing it to their lips without a hint of inspection and wait what is she doing? sweet god shes chewing and swallowing it actually swallowing it and laughing, is she nuts? is she thinking about what shes doing?and whats this shes going back to the plate for more?

What an odd process this is, its so alien. it horrifies me but is strangely enchanting, like a child in front of a Disney DVD I can watch scenes like this for hours. Such odd routines I enquired and apparently it's called eating.

Nipple Tassles are a much better option

I am exposed I feel naked, vulnerable even. I may as well be wearing nipple tassels and shouting look at me look at me as I run down Oxford Street.

I have been found out, not entirely but enough to make me a little wobbly and on high alert. A 'friend' I found has revealed my predicament (as I often refer to it) to not one but two people at my uni! in my world two people knowing in what I consider my untainted haven, is like announcing you have the clap in a crowded bar-too much information and people are bound to treat you differently.

nobody knows about me here, it is my clean slate. So am I mad with said friend? I cannot be sure a the moment. but the overwhelming feeling of invasion is creeping in.

Sunshine is my Prozac

The sun is my drug! once it was alcholol but thats a whole other post.

When the sun breaks from behind a cloud its as if somebody has turned a switch on inside my brain. Like a flower my body turns to the direction of the sun, washing over my skin and filling me up whole, I know the day will already be better. coping is easier with the sun on my side, weight gain has the sting taken off it for the hours the sun is overhead.

Winter is about as welcome to me as Angela Jolie at a Jennifer Anniston dinner party!

Yes I probably have a touch of S.A.D and being depressed doesn't help, so come on sunshine don't disappoint I am counting on you.

Secrets and double lives

Come closer I am about to tell you a secret. Just between me and you, i actually live two lives and have done so for the past 4 and a bit years, there i said it. Not two lives in the sense I’ve got another family on the other side of the world, I am far to young for that, but I have a secret side one that only my mother and sister are aware of and that’s only because we live together.

I have an eating disorder anorexia to be precise, but no one else knows they think I’m just small boned *snorts* small boned my arse if only they knew! but they can’t know I won’t allow it.

So I have chosen to blog being a journalism student I suppose it just seemed logical. The anonymity of it all beckoned to me like a shimmering God. Purging my feelings on the World Wide Web will release the clutter and pressure of my thoughts that threaten to at times escape my mouth with the force of a banshee possessed.

This is not a pro- ana blog, its my life pure and simple and why should I censor it its who I am and where I am at. Support me, slate me whatever, but I must write.